


Monsters

by SneetchesToo



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ethan goes to therapy, F/M, Family, Romance, he faces his demons, it’s honestly about damn time, mama willis is in this too, mentions to suicide, relationships, talks about some shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26095075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SneetchesToo/pseuds/SneetchesToo
Summary: Ethan had been dealing with his monsters on his own for long enough.'Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to killAnd there's no comin' back and they just laughed at how I feelAnd these monsters can fight, and they'll never say dieAnd there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never healYeah, my monsters are real
Relationships: Ariel Braeden & Ethan Willis, Ed Harbert/Leanne Rorish, Ethan Willis & Ed Harbert, Leanne Rorish & Ethan Willis, Leanne Rorish/Ethan Willis, Noa Kean/Mario Savetti, Rox Valenzuela & Ethan Willis, Rox Valenzuela/Ethan Willis
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Ed Harbert

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pretty_bird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretty_bird/gifts).



> *This literally came out of nowhere and I don’t even really know what this is.  
> **The first 8 chapters are Ethan talking about the people in his life who have made him who is today.  
> ***Eventual Ethan/Rox. Mentions to past Ethan/Leanne and present Leanne/Ed. Also hints at Noa/Mario.

Ethan was not, under any circumstances, happy.

Nope.

Not in the least bit.

In fact, he was downright furious.

He couldn’t believe that Will fucking Campbell was making him go to therapy.

Him, of all people.

He didn’t need to talk about his problems.

And he certainly wasn’t insane.

In fact, he was probably the most normal person working at Angels right now save for Rollie Guthrie.

And yet, here he was, standing outside a therapist’s office on a Friday morning.

He was going to kill Will Campbell if it was the last thing he did.

“Ethan Willis.” A perky young blonde girl called his name from behind the desk and he let out a huff, shoving his hand in the air like he was in grade school.

“Here.” Against his wishes he might add.

“Dr. Warren will see you now.” He let out a groan as he stood, making his way toward the door he was directed to.

He couldn’t believe he was doing this.

It really wasn’t fair.

He knocked on the door gently, sighing when a voice from the other side told him to come in.

Opening the door slowly he stopped just inside of it, his eyes doing a quick sweep of the space, his military training always in the back of his head.

“Ah, Colonel Willis,” The older woman behind the desk stood and extended her hand to him as she spoke, “it’s nice to finally meet you.”

“It’s Ethan.” He barked out, his hands staying put in his pockets like he was some kind of child.

“Well Ethan,” She nodded her head as she moved around him to shut the door, “I’m Dr. Warren. Welcome.”

Welcome?

He felt anything but welcome.

“How are you today?” Dr. Warren didn’t waste any time at all as she moved to sit in one of the chairs, gesturing for him to sit on the couch across from her.

“Alright I guess.” He shrugged his shoulders as he plopped down onto the faux leather cushion, his hands moving to his lap as he sighed. “Still trying to figure out why I’m here.”

“Well, it appears that your superiors at Angels Memorial thought you could use someone to talk too.” Great, she knew that he was sent here because Campbell thought he couldn’t do his job. “Your CO was inclined to agree.”

His CO was a traitor.

“I don’t need to talk to anyone.” He wasn’t lying about that. “I’m fine.”

“Fine? Really?” Okay so maybe he was lying about that part. “Why do you think your bosses said otherwise?”

“Because they hate me.” He knew Campbell couldn’t stand him, but he thought this was a touch too far.

The man hadn’t made Leanne go to therapy, and her daughter had run away.

He didn’t make Noa go to therapy and she survived being drugged and crashing her car into a building.

Why was he the only one with the target on his back?

“Is that what you think?” Yes, that was what he thought.

In fact, he didn’t just think it, he knew it.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders as he let out a sigh. “Look, I know all your tricks okay, my brother was a psychology major, I get it.” Robbie had taught him a thing or two when he was in school and he hadn’t forgotten this part. “Get inside his head, make him think you care, trick him into divulging all his secrets. You’re not slick.”

“I’m not trying to be slick, I’m trying to help.” She sounded almost genuine and he hated it.

“Well if you wanna help just sign the damn paper that says I’m fine so I can return to work.” That was all he wanted, to return to work, that couldn’t be so hard now could it?

“I can’t do that.” She shook her head as she looked down at the pad of paper in her lap. “You have to attend the mandatory eight sessions.”

“I don’t have eight hours worth of shit to talk about.” He really wasn’t one to cuss, especially in front of people who didn’t know him, but dammit was he mad.

“Okay, well, I do have some questions I can ask.” Of course she did.

“I’m good, thanks.” But he didn’t want to answer her questions.

In fact, he didn’t want to answer anyone’s questions.

The past few months had been full of them and he didn’t have any more answers now than he did when this all started.

“Colonel Willis, you have to attend these meetings, shouldn’t you at least use them to your advantage?” How could these damn things possibly help him? “Get some things off your chest?”

“What I wanna get off my chest is that I think it’s fucking stupid that Campbell is making me do this. Fucking dictator thinking he’s better than everyone else.” He really hoped that she didn’t have to provide a transcript or anything, not that he cared if Campbell knew how he felt about him. “He doesn’t know a damn thing about me and he has no right to decide whether I’m capable of doing my job or not.”

“Well, he is your boss is he not?” He sent a glare Dr. Warren’s way and huffed.

“Not officially. No.” He wasn’t any more Ethan’s boss than Leanne was.

At least not as far as Ethan was concerned.

“Well it says here that he’s the ER director at Angels…” And hell, even if he was the director of the ER, he didn’t take orders from him.

He would listen to Leanne or Jesse before he’d listen to Campbell.

Hell, he took directions from Mario better than that dictator.

“He is.” But that title meant nothing.

“But…?” She was good, real good.

“But that doesn’t make him my boss.” He would never admit to Campbell being his boss.

He would never succumb to such pressure.

“Well I think it does. Do you report to someone else there?” He let his glare drop as he let out a sigh. “I understand the CEO has been out on leave the past few months.”

“Ed.” Goddammit Edward, this was all your fault.

“Ed?” She raised an eyebrow as she let the man’s name slip from her lips.

“Ed Harbert, that’s his name.” Technically his name was Edward Owen Harbert, III.

He figured he would leave that part out though.

“You don’t call him Dr. Harbert? Or sir?” Of course he didn’t, he didn’t want Ed to slug him.

“No. Dr. Harbert was his father.” Dr. Harbert was a pretentious asshole. “And he hates being called sir.”

In fact, Dr. Harbert and Will Campbell got along quite well.

That probably explained a lot.

“You two are friends?” Of course they were.

“Sort of. Kind of. It’s complicated.” It really wasn’t that complicated.

“Complicated?” She seemed to get it though.

“He’s dating my ex.” Saying those words out loud made the whole thing look a lot more awkward than it really was.

“Ah.” He hated ‘ahs’ from people, they made his insides feel funny, like someone was reading his mind and just waiting for him to confirm what they already knew.

“We’ve been friends for a while. Met at a bar when I first moved to LA ten years ago.” It honestly felt like he had known Ed his whole life, but he guessed that after going through what they had gone through together, it was only naturally. “His wife died around the same time as my brother. It’s why he left Angels.”

“But he came back?” Of course he came back.

“When he and Leanne…” Yeah, that was why.

It had never really clicked before.

Ed had left after Casey had died, around the same time as Robbie.

And right after he left Ethan had gotten the job there.

He had figured Ed had had something to do with that.

But then when he and Leanne had broken up a year later, Ed was magically back, and better than ever.

“Your ex?” He had never put two and two together before.

“Yeah. They got together and he decided to return to Angels.” He wasn’t really sure which had happened first, not that it really mattered.

“Oh. How has that been for you?” And here she goes with the getting personal.

“Fine.” He didn’t want to talk about his feelings.

Cold hard facts were fine.

But feelings?

Ethan Willis didn’t do feelings.

“Fine? Not awkward?” No, of course not.

“No.” Things were fine.

“Really?” Just fucking fine.

“I’ve known them both the same amount of time.” He had met Ed at the bar ten years ago, and then Leanne at the same bar six months later, they had been inseparable. “They’re my best friends. I kinda figured it would happen eventually.”

“Right…” He had confused them for being married to each other at first.

They both wore rings.

They both talked about their son and their daughter.

But then he had found out that they weren’t together about two years after meeting them both.

The night that Leanne’s accident had happened.

The night that he had spent 45 minutes performing CPR on her daughter in the middle of the woods in the pouring rain.

The night that he had to be the one to tell her that her whole family was gone.

“It’s fine. Really.” He really didn’t mind that they were dating.

Really.

It was fine.

“It doesn’t sound like it’s fine.” He huffed as he crossed his arms over his chest and fixed her with another glare. “You said Ed was your friend first.”

What was he, a middle schooler?

Who cared about who was who’s friend first?

“By like, six months, that’s it.” Not that it mattered, he was equally as close to them both until he and Leanne started hooking up. “And he and Leanne had worked together for over a decade at that point. I always thought they were together. Until Leanne and I were together and then…”

“That answered your question?” Not really, but he wasn’t going to bring Leanne’s personal business into this mess.

“Yes.” He didn’t need to add that he had almost felt his heart stop when he found out it was Dr. Rorish, and her husband, that were in the car crash.

Her son and daughter as well.

He didn’t know if he could have handled losing Ed.

Or Leanne.

Or both of them.

“But you two remained friends. Even after he was dating your ex?” Of course they had, it wasn’t like Ed was the reason they had broken up.

“Yes.” This line of questioning was making things really awkward.

“Interesting.” He hated that word.

“What’s so interesting about that?” He was mad, almost to the point of blood boiling mad. “Not every guy gets jealous and throws temper tantrums. Not every couple breaks up and hates each other. We have a daughter to think about.”

“A daughter?” Dammit, he had swore he wouldn’t bring Ariel into this.

“Yes. But I’m not talking about her.” The look on his face must have been enough because Dr. Warren held up her hands in defeat. “She doesn’t need to be brought into this.”

“Okay.” And then she picked up her pen and scribbled something down on the notepad and he felt his neurons firing at a thousand times a second trying to process what was happening.

“What are you writing down? Why are you writing something?” He couldn’t have her bring Ariel into this.

He couldn’t have his daughter brought down because Campbell couldn’t pull the damn stick out of his ass that had been there for the past four years, if not longer.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a note.” She said it like it was the most nonchalant thing in the world.

“A note about Ariel?” His heart was racing as he tried to force himself to speak.

“It’s just a note Ethan. Relax.” He hated it when people told him to relax. “Tell me more about your friendship with Ed.”

“We’re friends. That’s it.” Best friends, but she didn’t need to know all that.

“Has your friendship changed since he started seeing Leanne?” Of course it had changed!

But she didn’t need to know that either.

“Not really.” He could lie if he needed too.

Protecting himself and his friends and family was more important than pleasing some damn woman he’d known less than an hour.

“No?” She didn’t believe him though and he could tell.

“No. We still go out for drinks. He still kicks my ass at Halo and I still slaughter him on the golf course. Nothing’s changed.” In fact, if anything, they had almost gotten closer.

Now Ed could commiserate with him about how stubborn Leanne was.

Or about how Ariel was too smart for her own good.

He wasn’t all alone in that world anymore.

“You almost sound sad about that.” How did he sound fucking sad?

“I’m not sad about it! Jesus, you people read something out of nothing!” He hated shrinks for that reason and that reason alone.

They always wanted to make mountains out of mole hills.

“No need to get hostile.” She sounded so calm and serene and he wanted to punch something. “It was just an observation.”

“Nothing changed. Things were a little awkward at first, Leanne and I didn’t exactly break up on the best of terms.” Best of terms was an understatement. “But Ed and I never let it affect us. I swear.”

Ed had been so scared to tell him that he and Leanne had started seeing each other.

But he had just let it roll.

It wasn’t a big deal.

At least not back then.

Because at least back then Ethan had had Rox.

“How does your daughter feel about him?” He sighed as he sank back against the cushions. “I mean, having a new man in her life, that can’t be easy.”

“She’s fine with it.” He guessed they weren’t going to leave Ariel out of this after all. “Ed gives her her space, which she appreciates.”

“Does Ed have any children?” Why the fuck did that matter?

“Two. Josh and Hannah.” The kids had been seven and two when Ethan had met them and he had been rather taken aback by how much like Ed they both were.

Hannah in personality and Josh in looks.

They had quickly become two of his favorite people.

In fact, they still were to this day.

“And your daughter, how does she feel about them?” He didn’t understand why any of this was important.

“She likes them.” Ariel had barely batted an eyelash when Ed had come strolling into her life, his two kids in tow. “Her and Hannah are only a year apart so they’ve bonded.”

He had been shocked at first.

But then he realized that Ariel must have known something that he didn’t.

It had stung for a few weeks before she admitted to him that it had nothing to do with that.

That she just wasn’t going to put up a fight over something so silly.

She knew she was powerless to stop it.

She had run away three weeks later and it had finally hit him.

She wasn’t being accepting or welcoming.

She was just buying herself some time.

“That’s good.” He supposed so.

“Yeah.” In turn, Ariel and Hannah really had bonded over the last year, especially with graduation coming up and college in their futures.

“And Leanne, she seems happy?” He guessed that was one way to describe her.

“Happier than I think she ever was with me.” She walked around like she was on cloud nine.

Like Ed had hung the sun and the moon and all the stars.

“That bothers you?” Of course it bothered him, who wouldn’t be bothered by that?

“It stings a little. But it’s fine.” He was doing his best to get over it, to move on, he really was. “We were never meant to be together. Her and Ed on the other hand, they’re soulmates.”

“Interesting.” There was nothing interesting about it.

“What’s interesting?” At least, he didn’t think so.

“It’s just… you seem so calm about the fact that Leanne seemed to move on so easily.” He wasn’t calm about it two years ago when he caught her and Ed making out in his office one afternoon.

He had gone to ask Ed out for drinks.

He needed to get out, especially after his dad had woken him up at the crack of dawn and announced that he was there to sell Robbie’s house.

The house that Ethan was living in.

But instead of finding Ed ignoring his responsibilities and reading cat memes on Reddit, he had found him lip locked with the one and only Leanne Rorish.

“It’s fine. We weren’t meant to be together.” He had stood there and stared at them kissing for a good minute before his phone had fallen to the floor and startled them both.

They had tried apologizing over and over again but he had just stood there, rooted to the spot, his eyes burning as he tried to hold back tears.

“Ethan…” He shook his head as he tried to rid himself of the memory.

And that’s when the clock on the wall caught his attention.

One o’clock.

His time was up.

He was a free man.

“Hey look, my time is up! I’m good to go right?” He stood up and made his way to the door without waiting for the good doctor to acknowledge his statement, or answer his question. “Okay good. See ya.”

He bolted out of the office and down the hallway and out the front door as fast as his legs could carry him.

And as soon as he was to his car he stopped, his eyes closing as he tried to catch his breath.

“I fucking hate you Will Campbell.” He muttered under his breath as he felt his heart racing in his chest.

He wasn’t designed to feel these kinds of feelings.

Willis men, they didn’t talk about this kind of stuff.

It wasn’t in their blood.

It wasn’t who they were.

It’s why he had thought Robbie was crazy when he said he was studying psychology.

But he had said he hoped that it would one day help him out, help them all out.

If only it had, then maybe Ethan wouldn’t still be here.


	2. Ariel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I doubt anyone’s reading this, but here’s another chapter just because.

Ethan couldn’t believe he was here.

He must be losing his mind.

He still didn’t need therapy.

Nope.

Not all.

“Good afternoon Colonel Willis.” Dr. Warren’s voice broke through his thoughts and he was startled.

He honestly didn’t remember even walking inside the building, much less into her office.

“Afternoon.” He shook his head as he tried to focus his attention on the woman before him.

“I’m surprised you came back.” That made two of them.

“Well, Ed said I can’t return to work until I complete these damn sessions, so…” He had left the office last week and gone to Ed’s house and had a few words with the man.

It had ended in them getting drunk off of hundred year old scotch and passing out on the couch.

Leanne had found them and scolded them on their mid-afternoon activities.

Neither of them had cared much.

Except when she refused to make them dinner and made them order out instead.

Not that the massive amount of Chinese food they got had been a bad thing per say.

“I’m glad you came back.” Ed had told her that she’d say that. “How did you feel after our last session?”

“Tired.” That had been an understatement. 

After he and Ed had polished off their dinner he had climbed into the guest bed and passed out.

When he woke up the next morning it was almost 11:00am and Ed’s dog had been staring at him from the foot of the bed.

He vaguely remembered huffing at Bucky to go away before Josh had come flying into the room, demanding that Ethan take him to get new shoes.

“Tired?” He had to guess that she wasn’t shocked by this information though.

“I don’t like to talk about myself.” It was true, he really, really didn’t like to talk about himself.

“Ah.” There she went with the ‘ahs’ again.

“No one’s ever really listened so…” Sure Leanne and Ed had listened, but he had stopped burdening them with his issues long ago.

“So you’re not very good at it?” He never had been actually, not even when his mother was still alive. “I get that.”

“Yeah.” His father had never allowed him to show emotions, always yelling at him that boys didn’t cry.

“So last time we talked,” Ugh, here she goes, “you mentioned some other important people in your life.”

“Yeah…” He had talked about Ed for most of the session, and Leanne, but that had been about it.

“Wanna talk about them?” No, he really did not.

“Not really.” He just wanted to sit in silence and let the pounding behind his left eye subside some.

“How about your daughter?” That was the last person he wanted to talk about. “You mentioned her. What’s her name?”

“Ariel.” She already knew that so why was she asking?

“Ariel? How old is Ariel?” Too old and not enough.

“Seventeen.” He may have only known the girl for four years, but he felt like he had known her since she was a kid.

Maybe that’s because when she had first come to Angels she had been a lost little kid.

Now she was practically a grown woman.

“Seventeen? Wow.” What was so surprising about that?

“What?” He was confused and it was making his head hurt even more.

“I just, you said she was your daughter with Leanne?” Well yeah, sort of.

“Yeah.” Technically she wasn’t, but who gave a shit about technicalities anymore?

“I didn’t think you two had known each other that long?” Oh wait, she didn’t know.

“We haven’t. Ariel’s adopted.” He guessed he maybe should’ve mentioned that part earlier.

“Oh.” The look of surprise on her face said it all.

“Leanne took her in four years ago and then decided to adopt her.” It had been the longest and most difficult situation he had ever been through. “I’m not legally her father, but…”

“But you’ve taken care of her for four years?” He was more her father than she had ever really known and he certainly loved her like she was his own.

“Yeah.” She would always hold a special place in his heart and he would always consider her his little girl.

“You two are close?” He really didn’t know why he needed to talk about Ariel, but he figured that maybe it was important to who he was.

Although, right now, he wasn’t really sure who he was at all.

“She’s my best-friend. I never… I never thought I would have kids of my own.” He had always figured he’d just be the fun uncle, and Robbie would be the one with the kids. “When she came along… I just… I fell in love instantly. She stole my heart and she knows it.”

“She sounds like a special girl.” She was the best and he’d fight anyone who tried to deny it.

“She is.” He sighed as he let his head fall back against the couch.

As much as he liked talking about Ariel, this was entirely too draining.

“She’s adopted?” Dr. Warren’s question was soft and Ethan almost didn’t hear her.

“Yeah. Her mom died when she was little and then her dad died in a car accident when she was twelve.” He had felt it all had been a little unfair and he often wanted to take it all back. “She went to live with an aunt, but that didn’t last. She came out here and found Leanne and the rest is history.”

“She sounds like she’s had it rough.” But if he took it all back, if took all of Ariel’s pain away, she wouldn’t be around to take care of him.

“She has. But you wouldn’t know it by looking at her.” No one other than those close to her knew about her past and he and Leanne had respected her decision not to make it public. “She’s the sweetest girl. And she’s so smart. She blows my mind sometimes.”

“She sounds wonderful.” He smiled as he thought of the teen, his heart warming at how lucky he was to have her in his life.

“I hate that she had to go through so much when she was younger. Sometimes…” He knew he wasn’t the only one who just wanted her to be able to heal from all her demons.

Maybe they had a lot more to learn from each other than he thought.

“It’s okay Ethan.” She seemed to understand though and she offered him a smile as he sat up and stared back at her.

“Sometimes I wish I could take away all that pain ya know?” He just wanted her to feel, normal.

“Yeah.” Kind of how he wanted to feel normal again too.

“Anyway, she’s amazing. She’s been my rock this past year.” In fact, Ariel had been the one person who hadn’t thought secretly hated him these past few months.

“This year’s been rough?” That was an understatement if there ever was one.

“Yeah.” He let out another sigh as he closed his eyes for a minute.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?” No, no he didn’t want to talk about.

“Not really.” He had a feeling that she wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer though.

“Okay…” There was a pause at the end of the word that made him snap his eyes open and stare her down.

She was good.

Really fucking good.

“Ariel… she ran away a year ago.” Had it really been that long? 

“Yeah?” She was waiting for him to fill in the gaps and he hated it.

Why did she have to be so damn good at this?

“Yeah. She… her boyfriend, or, well, her friend, I guess, Max, he died.” It still hurt to say those words out loud.

Even though he had barely known the kid, he knew that Ariel had loved him.

And he knew that she had been so incredibly broken after his death.

“Oh?” That must have come as a shock because Dr. Warren’s eyes got slightly bigger behind her glasses and she leaned forward a little in her chair.

“Cancer. He was only 16.” It was still so unfair that Max had had to go the way he did.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Yeah, so was he.

“She didn’t take it well.” That was also an understatement. “Not that I can blame her. But she and Leanne, they fought, a lot.”

“And she ran away?” Among other things.

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath as he tried to calm his nerves a little.

Talking about Ariel’s outlandish behavior had never been easy for him.

“But she came home?” Thank God.

“Yeah. And Leanne officially adopted her.” He knew that Leanne had been over the moon when the court had officially granted her custody of the teen.

But he had been just as excited.

“And you and Leanne were still together?” Not quite.

“No. No we’ve uh… we’ve been broken up for a while now.” Almost two years to be exact.

God it was hard to think it had been that long.

“But Ariel is still important to you?” She would always be important to him.

No matter his status with Leanne, he had always sworn to be there for her.

“I love her like she’s my own.” And he did his best to treat her as such too. “I mean, I’ve only known her for four years, but… we’re close. She’s my best friend.”

“I’m sure she appreciates having someone like you in her life.” He really hoped so.

“She seems too…” Sometimes he wondered though.

“You question that sometimes?” Especially when someone like Ed walked into her life.

Someone who had it all together.

Someone who could give her stability and normalcy.

“Sometimes.” He knew that Ariel loved him, but he wondered sometimes if she was starting to love the life Ed could give her more.

“I don’t think you should.” What did she know?

“You don’t know anything about us.” This part was true.

But he supposed that that was the whole point of her asking all these annoying ass questions.

“Maybe not, but I want to learn more.” Yep, right on the money there. “Tell me whatever you want me to know.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He sighed as he sank down into the couch.

“Talk about Ariel? Or other things?” He didn’t want to talk about anything right now actually.

“Both.” He really just wanted to curl up and take a nap and sleep for weeks on end.

“Something with Ariel is bothering you?” Wasn’t it always?

“I didn’t say that.” She was a teenager after all.

Wasn’t it her job to drive him crazy?

“You said she’s 17?” Yes, yes he did.

“Yeah.” He didn’t know what this had to do with anything though.

“Is she a senior?” Ugh, she would bring this up wouldn’t she.

“She graduates next month.” He didn’t even want to think about it.

In his eyes she was still that scared little thirteen year old who was clinging to him for dear life inside a quarantine tent.

“Is she going to college in the fall?” He didn’t want to think about that part either.

“Yeah.” It had been a hard thing for him to face.

College tours, SATs, packing.

He hadn’t been handling any of her senior year well if you asked him.

“You’re worried?” He couldn’t help but be worried.

Ariel was the smartest, sassiest girl he knew, and he knew that she was going to be asking for trouble being away at school.

“A little.” And he wouldn’t be there to protect her and it scared him.

“Where is she going to school?” Ugh, the inevitable question that everyone asked when they found out she was a senior.

“UCLA.” It had been between that and Stanford, the girl having ruled out Columbia and Harvard, despite her acceptance to both, since they were on the other side of the country.

“That’s a good school.” It was a great school in fact and he was thrilled that she was going there.

“She got into Harvard and Columbia too.” He loved telling people that, it made him feel so proud. “And Stanford.”

“Wow.” The shock on the good doctor’s face was enough to make it all worth it.

“Yeah.” It was definitely worth being proud of as far as he was concerned. “She narrowed it down to UCLA and Stanford since they were closer to home.”

“What does she want to do?” The second question that everyone asked.

He wondered what those poor parents who’s kids were undecided had to say when they were asked that.

“She wants to be a doctor.” He had teared up when Ariel had admitted that to him. 

“Like you?” Doubtful.

“Like Leanne.” She was her mother’s daughter after all.

“I’m sure you played a role in that too.” He wasn’t so sure about that.

He guessed after having watched Leanne try effortlessly to save her father’s life all those years ago had stuck around.

And then she watched again, day in and day out, as the strongest woman they both knew saved hundreds of more lives.

She had even saved Max’s a time or too.

“Maybe.” He shrugged at the thought.

He knew that Ariel loved him.

He knew that she respected him.

But she worshipped Leanne.

He didn’t know what that feeling was like.

“I’m sure she’ll do great, especially with someone like you in her corner.” He hoped that he could be the supportive party that she needed in order to get through school and become the best doctor she could be.

He knew that she was more than capable of it.

“I’m doing the best I can.” He was trying, and that was honestly all he could do anymore.

“It sounds like you’re doing wonderful.” Wonderful wasn’t even close.

“I guess.” He closed his eyes once more as he felt his heart tighten in his chest.

“You don’t feel that way?” Of course he didn’t feel that way.

“The past year… it’s been hard. I’ve been… absent at best.” He felt like an absolutely fucking failure and he hated it. “And when I am around I’m distracted.”

“Distracted? With what?” He really didn’t want to talk about it right now.

“Nothing.” He groaned as he pushed himself back up, his eyes catching the clock on the wall.

“Well that can’t be true. No one’s ever distracted with nothing.” She must have sensed what he was looking at because she sighed before continuing. “Something must be bothering you.”

“No. I’m good.” He was far from good but he didn’t care right now. “Look, my hour is up, I’ve got somewhere I’ve got to be.”

And then he was barreling out of the office and through the front door of the building like a wild animal being set free from it’s cage.

And right now, that’s exactly what he felt like.

A wild animal.

Except he was still very much trapped in his cage.

And he just wanted to be free.


	3. Leanne

This made week three that Ethan had somehow talked himself into attending therapy, again.

It’s not like he had a choice though.

If he wanted to keep his job he had to attend all eight of those damn sessions.

He didn’t understand why though.

They weren’t doing him any good.

“I'm surprised you’re here.” Dr. Warren’s voice broke through his thoughts and he sighed.

“Not like I have a choice.” Campbell had reminded him twice about his sessions in the ten minute phone call they had shared yesterday.

Which was ten minutes longer than he wanted to talk to the man.

“You seem upset.” He was upset, very upset, but for more reasons than he wanted to talk about right now.

“It's just been a long day.” Long day, long week, long month, long year.

Everything about this whole process had been long and tiring.

“Wanna share?” Of course she’d ask him to talk about his feelings.

“Not really.” But he didn’t want to.

“Okay…” He was shocked that she didn’t push.

“It's just…” He guessed though that maybe she knew what she was doing because suddenly he felt the urge to talk.

“What is it Ethan?” Goddamn she was good.

“Leanne and I… we had a fight.” A fight was an understatement.

They had actually started world war three in the middle of Center Stage last night.

“Well that's not unusual.” It was sad that even she realized that the two of them fighting was par for the course at this point.

“It was so stupid.” He hated fighting with Leanne, especially when their fights were very rarely over anything significant.

“Why is that?” Even when they fought about Ariel, it was over trivial stuff.

“She just… she picks at me.” But Leanne knew how to push his buttons and she knew how to get under his skin. “She knows what makes me tick and she just goes for it.”

He sometimes thought that maybe she did it on purpose.

That maybe she liked having that power over him.

“What is it that makes you tick Ethan?” Were they really going to go here?

“Rox. She always fucking brings up Rox.” He guessed maybe it was about time.

“Rox?” He didn’t really want to talk about it, hell, he didn’t talk about her to anyone.

“Yeah. Rox.” It was still so hard knowing that she wasn’t with him anymore.

“Who’s Rox?” The eternal question.

“She's my… well… I don't know. We were kinda together, but then…” He didn’t really know what they were to be honest.

He guessed maybe they were dating.

Perhaps.

“Then what Ethan?” But he never really got a concrete answer out of her before she was gone.

“She left.” Just packed up in the middle of the night and left him.

“Left?” He had never felt so broken before.

“I don't wanna talk about it.” But it certainly wasn’t something that he was prepared to talk about and he prayed that Dr. Warren understood.

“Okay? So, let's talk about Leanne.” Not that talking about Leanne was any easier.

“There's nothing to talk about.” Their history was just as rocky and just as heart breaking.

“You said you two dated?” Had he mentioned that part?

He really couldn’t remember what they had talked about in past sessions to be honest.

“For almost 4 years. Off and on.” The best four years of his life if you asked him. “I was in Iraq for part of that time. Long distance was hard.”

“I imagine.” They had made it work though, they had always made it work.

“She… god I loved her.” Until they didn’t.

“Why'd you break up?” A question he wished he had the answer too.

“We fought a lot. I was struggling and Ariel was a lot of work.” Everything piled on top of each other just became too much and eventually they just couldn’t do it anymore. “We just couldn't make it work anymore.”

“Interesting…” Oh lord, he hated it when people used that word.

“Interesting? What’s so interesting?” There was nothing interesting about their breakup, nothing weird or unusual, it just happened. “We couldn’t make it work so we broke up. End of discussion.”

“You don’t seem like the kind of guy to just give up.” He wasn’t, but if Leanne Rorish didn’t want something, it didn’t happen.

“I didn’t give up! I tried dammit.” He had tried and tried to get through to her, to make her see how much he loved her. “I tried for a year to get her to open up to me, to let me in, but after… we just… we couldn’t make it work.”

“After what?” He wasn’t going there.

“Nothing.” Nope, he wouldn’t.

“What happened Ethan?” He had never told anyone the details of their breakup.

“We had a fight. We broke up. It’s over.” He just told people those exact words.

They had a fight.

A bad fight.

And they broke up.

The end.

“What did you fight about?” Ugh.

“She thought I was seeing someone else.” There, he said it.

“Were you?” Of course he wasn’t!

“Hell no! I loved her, I never would’ve cheated on her.” Never in a million years would he have thought of doing that to her, or to Ariel.

“So why did she think that you were?” He wished he knew the answer to that question.

“I don’t know. Because she wanted out and that was all she could think of.” He knew that that wasn’t true, he knew that Leanne had to have had her reasons, no matter how ridiculous they were. “I was good to her, I was good to Ariel. I did my best for both of them. But she… I guess she just fell out of love and she wanted to move on but she didn’t know how to say that.”

“So she accused you of cheating?” It wasn’t exactly a Leanne thing to do, but it had happened.

“Yeah.” He wondered what had been her tipping point.

“With Rox?” Oh yeah, Rox, Rox had been her tipping point.

“How…?” Everyone seemed to blame Rox for things, even though she was far from the cause of their problems,

“Just a guess. But I’m right aren’t I?” Of course she was fucking right.

“Rox and I knew each other one day. One fucking day. And we went out for drinks after shift. Or better yet, I went out for drinks after shift.” He hadn’t been expecting Rox to be at the bar and he hadn’t been expecting to join her for drinks. “I was supposed to meet Ed but he cancelled last minute. I ran into Rox there. We shared a few drinks, we talked. That was it.”

They shared a few drinks, laughed a little.

She told him about her day and he told her about his.

They played a round of darts, did a shot or two with the residents, that was it.

“How did Leanne know you two had drinks?” But someone had ratted him out.

“I don’t know. Probably one of the nosy fucking residents. Angus if I had to guess.” He didn’t know for sure that it had been Angus, it could have just as easily been Mario or Noa or even Campbell, but someone had told her and that had hurt. “Always getting in everyone else’s business.”

“Interesting.” Nothing about this was interesting anymore.

“So when I got home later that night she flipped out.” He didn’t know how she had found out so quickly, but he guessed that hospital gossip continued flowing even when you weren’t at the actual hospital. “She screamed at me, told me to leave, that I wasn’t welcome there anymore if I was gonna spend all my time with another woman.”

“That seems a bit… harsh.” Harsh was a understatement.

“I get that she was going through some stuff, but I wasn’t cheating. And after she accused me… I don’t know… I didn’t care to fight about it anymore. I packed my bags and left.” He hadn’t even said goodbye to Ariel because he couldn’t bring himself to let the teen see him so broken. “Went back to my brother’s house and that was that. Things were awkward for a while, we didn’t get along for a few months. Things started to get better, but then…”

“What changed?” Everything.

“Ariel ran away.” He’d never forget the panic that set in when Noa had texted him and told him that the girl was gone. “I was in San Diego at the time, with… I just… I wasn’t there when they needed me.”

He knew it had hurt Leanne that he wasn’t there, but he didn’t know that Ariel would leave.

And he had had to take care of Rox.

He couldn’t lose her too.

“Were you with Rox?” Of course he was.

“Yes.” He was always with Rox.

“And that hurt Leanne?” And that’s exactly what Leanne had told him when he tried to justify himself to her.

He was always with Rox, always talking about Rox, always watching Rox.

He had become obsessed and it was showing.

“I suppose it did. She had Ed. She didn’t need me.” And he knew that Ed had tried to help her through it all.

And Jesse and Noa and Mario.

They had all been there for her.

And even Campbell had stepped it up and gotten involved.

She didn’t need him.

“Well as Ariel’s father…” But again, he was the closest thing to Ariel’s dad and he guessed maybe he should’ve seen things from a father’s perspective instead.

“They had both been pushing me away. Ever since Max died, Ariel wasn’t the same.” He had missed the girl she had been before the whole Max thing had happened. “She came to me more than Leanne at first, but then she just stopped coming around. I don’t really know why.”

“Do you two get along now?” Of course they did.

“Who? Me and Ariel? Yes.” She was his best-friend, she would always be his best-friend.

“How about you and Leanne?” That… was another story.

“We try. We’re getting there… I think.” They tried to get along for Ariel’s sake, and for the sake of their friends.

“You think?” Dividing friendships after a breakup was harder than dividing a kid.

“Some days are better than others.” But they were trying.

“How does she feel about you and Rox being together?” Did she really need to bring that up?

“She asked me once, if I loved her.” That fateful moment in the elevator after Emo had ratted him out in front of God and everybody.

“If you loved Rox?” He had been so terrified of answering Leanne

“Yeah. Before Rox and I were, well, whatever we were. Leanne asked me if I loved her. I didn’t really know how to answer her.” He had stumbled over words and told her that he needed to Rox to live.

“But you did.” Leanne had told him that wasn’t the same thing.

“Yeah.” But to him, it was.

“Did you love Leanne?” Why was she so intent on torturing him today.

“More than anything in this world. She was my best-friend.” Leanne had been the first person he had trusted in a long, long time. “She… she was there for me through my darkest time. She and Ed were all I had for a while there. Robbie was gone and dad… I just…”

“What happened during your darkest time?” He wasn’t going there, he refused to go there.

“Nothing.” He pushed himself to stand with a huff, stopping at the door when she said his name softly.

“Ethan…” Part of him wanted to turn around and pour his heart out.

But he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Not today.” He whispered, opening the door as he sighed. “I’ll see you next week.”

And then he was gone.


	4. The Army

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mentions to past Ethan/Leanne and current Ed/Leanne.  
> **Mentions to Mario/Noa and a future wedding.  
> ***I also included Emily’s tumor in Noa’s storyline but it’s only briefly mentioned.

Ethan didn’t know he was here, yet again.

Except, the little voice in his head told him exactly why.

It was helping, rather he wanted to admit it or not.

And as much as he hated thinking that he was actually getting something out of this, he knew he was.

“Colonel Willis.” Dr. Warren’s voice was full of shock and he completely understood why. “I’m surprised you called and asked for a session today. We normally don’t see each other until Friday.”

“I just… I needed to…” He had a list of reasons why he needed to see her today instead of Wednesday.

“Talk? Vent?” That being one of them.

“Not be around people who judge me.” And then there was that.

“Gotcha.” He was thankful she didn’t pry.

He guessed that she figured he would tell her eventually.

“That and Ariel’s graduation is Friday.” Which he still couldn’t believe. “I was hoping this would count as a session and I could skip our normal day?”

“Absolutely.” He was glad that it was working out to his advantage for once.

“Thank you.” Because he wouldn’t have been in a very good mood at her graduation had he had to spend the morning pouring his heart out to a complete stranger.

“You’re excited for her big day?” He snapped his head up at her question and smiled.

“Very. Nervous, but excited.” He didn’t know why he was nervous, it wasn’t like he had to walk across the stage and give a speech and be in a thousand photos.

“Graduation is always a big day. I remember all three of mine very vividly.” He imagined he would probably remember Ariel’s for the rest of his life. “My daughters are anxiously awaiting theirs.”

“I never had a gradation so I don’t really get it.” He never really regretted that though.

It’s not like anyone would’ve celebrated with him.

There wouldn’t have been a party or family pictures with him in his cap and gown.

He doubted that his own father would’ve gone.

“You never graduated high school?” That wasn’t what he said, was it?

“I did. But I didn’t go.” Everyone had thought he was crazy, but he knew exactly what he was doing. “I turned 18 the day of and I was in the recruiters office signing up for the Army when my class had their ceremony.”

“Why didn’t you attend?” Didn’t he just say that he had been too busy signing his life away to attend?

“No one would’ve cared. I didn’t really have any friends.” He had one friend, his name had been Mark, or Matthew, something with an ‘M’.

“I can’t imagine that.” They had met freshman year in math class.

He had been the only kid who hadn’t instantly thought Ethan was a loser.

“It was a small school.” If he remembered correctly there were less than 100 kids in his graduating class. “We lived in North Carolina at the time, everyone was really into football or farming. I hated both. I just wanted to get the grades and get out.”

“So you joined the Army?” He and Mark were supposed to join together, but he guess the kid had chickened out because he didn’t meat him at the recruiting office like they had planned.

“Yeah.” Instead, he had waited for an hour before giving up and going in alone.

“How did your parents feel about that?” There had been two other boys in there that day, the same age as him, they had both had their parents with him.

He, on the other hand, was alone.

“My dad was in the Army once upon a time. He hated the idea that I wanted to sign up.” His dad had always swore up and down that he would never allow his sons to join the military.

He had never understood why.

His guess his dad maybe had his own demons.

“And your mom?” He snapped his eyes to her and stared her with down with the angriest face he could muster.

“Don’t talk about my mom.” His mom was sacred space and he didn’t talk about her.

Not with his dad.

Not with Rox.

Not even with Leanne or Ed.

The only person he had ever shared the least bit of his mother with had been Ariel.

“Okay… sorry.” But he certainly wasn’t going to talk about her with a stranger.

“I should go.” He got ready to stand when she reached out and patted his arm, gently holding him in place as she gave him an apologetic look.

“No Ethan, stay.” He sighed as he sank back down onto the couch. “We can talk about something else.”

He simply nodded his head before leaning back, tilting his head so he could stare at the ceiling for a minute.

He almost thought he heard Robbie’s voice in his head again and he shook it to try and rid himself of the sound.

The last thing he needed was Robbie coming back and following him around.

“What was it like being in the Army?” And, end silence.

“It was the best damn thing I’ve ever done.” He would never regret his decision ever. “They put me through med school. Harvard and West Point. I did two tours. I miss it sometimes.”

“You’re still active duty obviously.” That he was, despite the fact that they refused to let him return to war where he belonged.

“This placement at Angels, it’s a DOD job.” One that Campbell would much rather him quit. “I have another four months on my contract and then I’m out of there.”

“You’re leaving Angels?” He had too.

“That’s the plan.” He couldn’t stay there any longer.

Without Rox, LA was killing him.

“What about Ariel?” The kid was stronger than he ever was and she understood.

“She understands.” She had been so broken when he had told her, but she had told him that he needed to do what was best for him. “She hates it, but… I just… I feel like I’m suffocating there.”

She understood better than anyone what it meant to find a place where he belonged.

“Is it Leanne?” Surprisingly, no.

His decision to leave had actually had nothing to do with Leanne.

Much to his surprise.

“No. No we’ve been getting along these past few weeks. I just…” He knew that whatever had happened between was old news, but there were other things now that were making him want to leave.

“You’re running from something?” Was it that obvious?

“No.” He wasn’t running?

Was he?

“Then why else would you just pack up and leave right as your daughter is starting college?” Did she really have to go there? “She’s going to need her father around.”

“She can always call me, she knows that.” He already felt like the world’s worst father.

“There’s something else…” No, no there wasn’t.

“No. I just want out.” He didn’t feel like Angels as his home anymore. “I miss the action of being in the field.”

“Of being in combat? You miss getting shot at?” Actually, yes.

“Sometimes. You probably think that’s crazy right?” No one else seemed to get it when he said those things.

“We normally keep these sessions about you, but I’m gonna fill you in on a little secret if that’s okay?” Finally, a conversation that wasn’t about him.

“Sure.” He was open to being the listening ears for once.

“My husband was in the Navy, served for 32 years before he got out.” Okay, so she was trying to bond, he got it.

“Wow. Good for him.” That was pretty impressive though, he wasn’t going to lie.

“Wanna know how long we’ve been married?” He was starting to see a trend here.

“I’m gonna take a wild guess and say 32 years?” He knew the drill, that was the way things worked back then.

Boys turned 18 and joined the military and went off to fight.

And most of them left behind a brand new bride, probably just out of school, maybe with a kid or two already.

It was the way the times were.

His parents had been no different.

“Right on the money.” She smiled at him and it clicked, she really did understand where he was coming from.

“You’ve been with him every step of the way. You get it right?” She would certainly be the first person.

“I do get it. I understand the need for the thrill and the chase and the chaos.” He nodded his head with a small smile. “He was a pilot, it’s hard to make those guys stay on the ground.”

“Yeah.” He had made a few friends with some pilots over the years, they were all good guys, but damn stubborn ones.

“But you wanna know what else I get?” He was all ears.

“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway.” He wouldn’t admit that he was waiting with bated breath.

“We had a family. I found out I was pregnant with our oldest two days before we got married. Which was a week after he signed up.” He knew that couldn’t have been easy.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He couldn’t imagine leaving behind a young wife and young kids.

Ariel was one thing, she was grown, she could take care of herself.

But a baby?

He couldn’t imagine how hard that had to be.

“Don’t be. We have a good life.” He was glad to hear that. “Five kids, seven different countries, more dogs that I can remember at this point.”

“So what’s the moral of the story?” But he knew that she was getting at something besides just giving him a play by play of her world.

“The moral of the story is that my husband missed so much while he was gone. Three of our kids graduated high school and he wasn’t there. One of them got married and had a baby, he wasn’t there.” Yeah, there was that thought that he hadn’t considered. “I had breast cancer a few years ago, he was gone for half of my treatment. And before you say you’re sorry and that I have your sympathies, know that that’s not what this is about.”

“You think I’m crazy for wanting to go back out there?” He hadn’t even thought about Ariel’s future life though.

About where she would be in two or three years.

She was almost 18.

She was old enough to get married and have babies of her own.

Not that he was okay with that idea.

He wasn’t ready to be a grandfather.

“I understand your desire, but I don’t agree with it.” He could live with that.

“Touché.” He was just glad she hadn’t called him stupid.

“How does Leanne feel about you leaving?” Why did she need to go and bring up Leanne?

“I haven’t told her that that’s what I wanna do yet.” He knew what her reaction would be.

The same reaction she had had every time he had left before this one.

Except he hadn’t tried to leave since they’d brought Ariel into their lives.

He couldn’t imagine how she’d react to that news.

“And Ed?” Ed always took things with a grain of salt when it came to the military.

He had been in the Coast Guard once upon time, he got the ‘duty calls’ bit.

But he also thought that Ethan was nuts for wanting to get shot at or deal with a third world countries medical facilities.

“Haven’t told him either.” He knew how that would go too.

They’d probably wind up screaming at each other.

And then they’d get drunk and all would be forgotten by the next morning.

“Rox? Your parents? Robbie?” He wouldn’t dare tell Rox, she’d be devastated.

“No one knows.” He whispered his response, perhaps because he was shamed of his answer.

“Except for Ariel?” He knew that he could trust her.

“And Noa. I told Noa.” And Noa.

He could always trust Noa.

“And who’s Noa?” His best-friend, his sister, the only person who didn’t treat him like he was a fucking failure at everything.

“We work together.” He guessed that would suffice, for now. “She’s the only person I can stand around there besides Leanne, and sometimes Jesse.”

“Does she think you’re crazy too?”

“Yes. She… she’s had a bad run of luck the past year.” The accident and Mario’s hours and then the brain tumor. She had been through so damn much and he just wanted what was best for her. “And she’s finally getting married next spring. She’s afraid I won’t be there.”

“It’s important to her that you are?” He had been shocked that that had been the first thing she had asked him when he told her he was trying to get recommissioned.

“She asked me to give her away.” He still remember the day she had asked him too.

He had tried to convince her that Angus was a better choice, but he was Mario’s best-man and that would just get confusing.

And then he had told her that Rollie should do it.

Or Jesse.

Or fuck, even Campbell.

But she had insisted that it had to be him.

“That’s sweet.” She had told him that she loved him like a big brother and that that was the kind of thing a big brother would do for their little sister.

“She grew up in foster care, doesn’t have a family. Except for us.” He knew how she felt, sort of.

Angels was his only family too.

“And if you go away…” He felt his heart starting to race.

“I can’t guarantee I’ll be here for that.” He didn’t want to think about this anymore.

“But…” He knew that he needed to get away, and for good.

“But I just… there’s too many memories here. Too many bad memories.” Too much heartbreak and loss and pain.

“No happy ones?” He racked his mind trying to remember if he had any of those.

“Very few.” Ariel coming into the picture was the most prominent one.

He guessed that having Noa and Mario around wasn’t too bad.

And obviously he enjoyed Ed and Leanne’s company.

And Josh and Hannah’s too.

But the pain of losing Rox here had just been too much.

“What about your parents? Or rather, your father?” His dad could care less about what happened to him and he knew it. “I’m going to assume by your reaction that your mother has passed?”

“I don’t wanna talk about them.” His parents were the most taboo of topics and he wasn’t going there right now.

“Ethan…” He couldn’t.

“No. I can’t… I…” He had to get out of there before he lost it. “Thank you for seeing me today but I can’t do this anymore. I’ll see you next week.”

He practically sprinted out the door, his heart pounding in his chest as he stopped in the hallway outside the office.

He took a few deep breaths before closing his eyes.

He opened them up again when he heard his phone ding in his pocket.

It was Leanne.

He guessed that ignoring her probably wasn’t the best idea.

So he got himself together and quickly answered it.

“Hey. I’ve been trying to reach you.” She sounded worried and he couldn’t figure out why.

Then it hit him.

He hadn’t actually told anyone he was coming here today.

Oops.

“Sorry. I uh…” He swallowed as he started heading toward his car. “I rescheduled my therapy session for this morning so that I wouldn’t miss anything on Friday.”

“Oh okay.” She sounded relieved and he was shocked. “Well, Ariel wants to know if you want to go shopping with us. She wants to get stuff for her party.”

“Uh yeah.” He wasn’t sure why she felt the need to invite him, but he figured he might as well take advantage of it. “I’ll be there in thirty.”

“Sounds good.” And then the line was going dead and he was left alone in the hallway once more.

He knew that this therapy sessions were helping, but dammit did they leave him feeling exhausted and overwhelmed at the end.


	5. Martin Willis

Ethan stared at his watch as he let out a sigh.

He knew he was early, really early, but he was hoping that that wouldn’t matter.

He really just wanted to get this session over and done with.

He had things to do.

Much more important things than sitting around spilling his guts to someone.

“Ethan,” Dr. Warren’s voice calling out to him from her office startled him from his thoughts, “it’s good to see you again.”

“Hey.” He rose from his seat and headed toward her.

“I didn’t think you’d show up after last week.” She said softly as she shut the door behind him.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” He honestly hadn’t thought he’d come back.

But alas, here he was.

Mainly because he still had three mandatory sessions left before he could return to normal.

“It’s okay. Come in, sit.” He nodded his head as he moved to sit on the couch.

“Thanks.” He watched as she grabbed her notepad and moved to sit across from him, a soft smile forming on her face as she got ready to speak.

“How was Ariel’s graduation?” At least it was a question about a topic that he wanted to talk about.

“Great. She uh, she was amazing, as always.” He had never been more proud of her than he had been when he had watched her walk across that stage. “She gave a little speech, she was perfect.”

“Did you all do anything special to celebrate?” Of course they did, his baby had just graduated high school!

“Leanne and I took her to dinner afterward, just the two of us.” It had been awkward at first, even just the idea of them alone with her had been something he had been getting used to again.

It was almost like old times.

Except she was checking in with Ed every so often and Ariel wouldn’t stop pestering him about when he and Rox were going to get back together.

“That’s good. How did it go?” He shrugged at her question because he really didn’t know what to say.

“It went fine.” That was mostly true though, it certainly hadn’t gone bad or anything. “Ariel seemed really happy to have it be just the three of us again.”

“I’m sure she appreciated it.” He was sure of that too. “Did you have a party?”

“We did. On Saturday. At Leanne’s.” The party had been Leanne’s idea, but he had rolled with it. “It was small, some friends from work, Ed and his kids, a few of Ariel’s friends from school. We had fun.”

“That’s good.” Yes, yes it was.

“Yeah.” He sighed as he leaned back against the cushions.

“Something’s on your mind?” Getting right to the point once again.

“No. Just tired.” Tired was an understatement at this point. “I didn’t sleep last night.”

“Is everything okay?” No, everything wasn’t okay.

“Yeah. Just… my dad and I had a fight. Another one. Shocker.” Ethan couldn’t count on both hands the amount of times they had fought recently.

“Your dad?” He hadn’t really brought him much so he supposed her shock was warranted.

“Yeah.” The person he seemed to fight with more than anything.

“You haven’t talked about him much.” There was a good reason for that.

“We don’t get along very well.” In fact, when Ethan got to thinking about it, they never had.

“Why is that?” Where did he begin?

“He’s an asshole.” For starters…

“Ethan…” He guessed maybe that wasn’t what she was asking for.

“He is. He’s always been a man of steel and he just…” His dad had never been warm and fuzzy, not even when he was a baby, not with Robbie either. “He doesn’t agree with anything I do. He never has.”

“He’s hard on you?” There was a difference though between hard on your child and hating your child’s every move.

He was hard on Ariel because he wanted more for her.

He was hard on her because he expected more from her.

He was hard on her because he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone.

His dad on the other hand…

His dad was hard on him because he thought that everything that he did was wrong.

“Yeah.” But he wouldn’t say those words out loud so he settled for a simple reply.

“Any idea why that is?” He wished he knew, maybe then he could right some of the wrongs.

“He blames me for everything.” That part was true as well.

“Everything?” Literally everything.

“My mom dying. Robbie dying. Rox’s accident.” None of which were his fault, not in the least. “He always makes me the bad guy.”

“Your mother, when did she die?” Nope, nope, nope.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He wasn’t going there.

“You don’t have to give me any details Ethan, just an age.” He sighed as he mulled over the idea in his head.

“I was 14.” And that was all she needed to know.

“That must have been hard.” She had no fucking idea. “Was she sick?” 

“I said I didn’t wanna talk about it!” He hadn’t meant to lose his temper but his mom was a sore topic, one that he never discussed.

Not with his dad.

Not with Robbie.

Not even with Leanne or Ariel.

And certainly not with some stranger.

“Okay. Okay. Take a minute.” She didn’t seem phased by his outburst though and she offered him a soft smile as she waited for him to compose himself. “Your dad took care of you guys by himself after that?”

“Hardly. Robbie was only 7. He focused all of his attention on him. Shut me out.” His dad barely raised Robbie actually, but at least he was present in his life, unlike he was in Ethan’s. “I went to school, got a job, ran away. Anything I could to stay out of that house.”

“Is that why you joined the Army?” Of course it was.

“I wanted to do it earlier but he wouldn’t sign.” He had asked his dad the day he turned 16 if he would sign the papers but he had told him ‘no’. “So I forced myself to wait.”

“How did he react?” Mad of course.

He was always so fucking mad.

“I didn’t exactly tell him…” He had always been told that he would regret that.

But he never did, not once.

“Ethan…” He guessed she probably thought that too.

“I waited until he and Robbie were asleep.” He had had it all planned out for weeks. “I packed my bag and I kissed Robbie goodbye and I left.”

As soon as he had gotten his letter telling him where to go, he had gone.

“No note? Nothing?” She seemed shocked and Ethan sighed.

“I sent a letter in the mail a few days later.” He waited until he had made it to his first stop before sending it.

“Your dad must have been so scared.” Doubtful.

“He didn’t even call the cops. Didn’t bother telling anyone I was missing.” In fact, Ethan had heard from some old friends that his dad had dumped the rest of his belongings on the curb for the trash to pick up the next morning. “Robbie… he was the one that told dad that I ran away to join the Army. That I was leaving because of him.”

When Ethan had tried to contact him and ask for his stuff he had found out their number had been changed and that they had moved.

It wasn’t until years later that Robbie told him that he had saved some of his stuff and hidden it.

“Did you father try and contact you after that?” He hadn’t even bothered to ask where he was headed.

“Nope. Not until a year later.” Ethan still remembered that letter too. “He sent me a letter to tell me he was getting married.”

In fact, he was pretty sure it was the only letter he had ever saved from him.

“That was it?” Of course that was it.

His dad had wanted him gone.

He didn’t miss him.

“Yeah. I didn’t go home. Not until Robbie was sixteen.” He had stayed gone on purpose and he made sure that his dad never knew where he was after that.

“You didn’t see your brother for nine years?” Hardly, he wasn’t that much of an asshole.

“We saw each other a few times. My dad, he had a sister that lived in Maryland. Robbie would go and stay with her in the summers and at Christmas break.” He would never forget surprising Robbie a few times at the house, it had been worth every penny he had had to save. “If I was in the states I would go down and see him. He never told my dad though. Always kept it a secret.”

“And your aunt never told him?” Ha, she would never.

“Aunt Gloria hated my father’s guts.” Hated was putting it nicely. “Probably still does if she’s even alive anymore.”

“Interesting.” Everyone always thought it was interesting that they didn’t get along.

“Aunt Gloria was… different…” But for Ethan, it was just the way life was.

“Different?” Yeah, different.

“She used to hide women in her closet when my dad would go over there so that he wouldn’t see them. I’m pretty sure my dad knew she was gay, or at least bi, either way, he didn’t approve.” His dad was very traditional and Aunt Gloria, well she was anything but. “And she drank beer, smoked cigarettes, did basically everything the opposite of how a southern woman should act.”

“She sounds like a hoot.” Ethan had always loved her, despite his father’s hatred of her, or rather, maybe it was because of.

“She was, is, I don’t know.” He had always hated that he had lost contact with her and he made a mental note to see if he could find her. “Anyway, she was the only family I had, her and Robbie. She did what she could for us but it was hard.”

“So you and your father didn’t talk for a while?” Decades actually.

“Not until five years ago.” Sometimes though, Ethan wished that they had never started talking again.

“What happened five years ago?” Did he really have to tell her that?

“Robbie…” All he could manage to get out was his brother’s name before he started feeling his heart race.

“He died?” He still wasn’t over it.

In fact, he doubted he ever would be.

“Yeah. But I’m not talking about that either.” But just like with his mother, he wasn’t ready to go there yet.

“Okay… did you and your dad try to make amends?” Why would they want to do that?

“Fuck no.” He guessed maybe the swearing was uncalled for.

But he thought her question was too.

“Okay…” She simply nodded her head as she waited for him to take the lead.

“He’s an asshole. He always had something to say. He blamed me for Robbie’s death.” Which was stupid because Ethan was the only person who had ever accepted Robbie’s PTSD as a thing. “I… I didn’t need him and I didn’t want him around. I signed up for a fucking tour just to get away from him.”

“Ah.” Not that he had wanted to serve another tour, not then anyway, but it had been what was best for him at the time.

Getting away from his father, from his brother’s memory, that was what he needed.

“He showed back up about a year and a half ago.” Just let himself into his house one day in fact. “Wanted to sell my brother’s house.”

“You didn’t want him to?” Of course not!

“Well considering I’m living in it…” Not that he was really ‘living’ much of anywhere.

At that point most of his stuff had still been at Leanne’s.

Hell, a quarter of his stuff still was.

“So he’s back in your life now?” Unfortunately, he was.

“Sort of. I mean… we tried to make amends… I guess. I don’t know.” He had wanted to try when Rox was around because it was what Rox wanted. “For a while there we were actually getting along. He liked Rox and she liked him and…”

“But you’ve had another falling out?” After Rox got hurt and then decided to leave, yes.

“Yeah.” He didn’t understand why though.

Ethan hadn’t been the one to hit Rox with the car.

He hadn’t been the one to run away to another state just because.

“What about exactly?” He sighed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“I don’t know.” He honestly wasn’t sure anymore

“You don’t know? Or you don’t want to share?” That didn’t make any sense.

“Both.” But neither did he he supposed.

“Both isn’t an option.” She was on to him.

“Why not?” He could hear the sarcasm in his voice and he watched as she let out a chuckle.

“Well because you either know or don’t know.” That part was true.

“I think I know.” Dammit she was good.

“Well now we’re getting somewhere…” Of course they were.

Because she was a goddamn mind reader.

“He’s mad at me for how I handled things with Rox.” Not that it was any of his damn business.

“Rox?” Yeah, Rox.

“We fought. We broke up, or whatever it was that we did.” He didn’t even know what had happened between really. “Now she’s gone. He says I’m moody and miserable and he hates this side of me.”

“Well…” She bit her lip as she fought back saying whatever was on her mind.

“Let me guess, Campbell said I was moody and miserable too?” He wouldn’t be surprised.

Campbell hadn’t taken the whole thing very well either.

“In not so many nice words, yes.” Not that it was any of his business either.

“Well I’m not. I’m tired and I’m confused. But I’m fine.” Really, he was just fine.

“You’ve been coming to see me for over a month now Ethan,” Yeah, like he could forget, “clearly something is making you come back.”

“So?” He was being forced to come see her, didn’t she understand that?

“Could it be that you’re maybe a little more miserable than you want to let on?” He wasn’t miserable!

“I’m fine.” He was fine.

“Really?” Yes really.

“Yes.” He sighed as he scrubbed at his eyes.

“Than let’s talk about your mom? Or your brother? Or Rox?” Those were subjects he wouldn’t dare touch, not with a ten foot pole.

“No.” He wasn’t backing down from this, not right now.

“And why not?” Because he didn’t want too.

“Because I said I don’t fucking want too.” And that should have been all that mattered.

“Now does that sound like someone who’s fine?” She was really plucking his nerves and he had had enough.

“I’m done.” He pushed himself to stand and made his way toward the door.

“Ethan…” She tried to call after him but he simply slammed the door shut behind him.

He couldn’t keep doing this to himself.

He couldn’t keep letting his heart and his mind visit these places again and again.

It was too dangerous and it hurt far too much.


	6. UPDATE

Just a note that I will no longer be posting my stories to AO3. I refuse to support a site that allows stories about pedophilia and the rape/incest of children.

If you wish to still follow along with my stories please follow me on [Tumblr](https://sneetchestoo.tumblr.com/). I'll be updating there just the same as I updated here.

Thanks for the support.

**Author's Note:**

> **Comments make me happy!**


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